The Best Man's Speech
by scaredofrobots
Summary: For anon on Tumble that asked for Lily/Sirius origin story and this came out for the Letters to Evans Universe.


Sirius Black fucking LOVED weddings.

Especially when his best mate was marrying his other best mate.

Sirius knew as soon as James exclaimed " "A. GIRL! EVANS IS A GIRL?!" James Potter would marry Lily Evans.

It took for fucking ever though.

Sirius sat through months of angst before they even got together.

He helped Lily plot the most ridiculous surprise where she could snog James' brains out.

He sat through harrowing days of "choosing the perfect ring Padfoot".

He sat through every single bad proposal speech James prepared and played the role of Lily 15 times "for practice, Padfoot".

He made it through setting every single rose petal on the path to the room where James would propose.

He contained himself from yelling "FOR FUCKS SAKE JUST ASK HER" as he crouched beside Remus in the closet during the proposal.

Through every single color scheme discussion.

Through every single catering argument.

Through awful cake tastings and through every single fucking dress Evans tried on (127 to be exact and Evans looked totally perfect in every single one).

And when fucking finally James Potter had asked him to be best man he felt like all his trials and tribulations had been worth it.

Because he, one Sirius Black, would get to make the best man's speech.

When they were seven, Lily and Sirius hosted a variety of complicated weddings after being the ring bear (Sirius misheard and everyone went with it) and flower girl for Lily's cousin. They played a variety of roles but Sirius' favorite was always the best man.

At Lily's cousin's wedding, the Best Man's Speech was the absolute best part of the entire wedding. Sirius remembered the whole day rather fondly. The ceremony was short- which was convenient because the bear suit was bloody hot and he had to stand still and quiet the _entire time_ while Evans ignored him trying to make funny faces at her.

Then they had what felt like hours worth of photographs. Evans had to remind him several times, "They're muggles the pictures won't move- so stand still you baboon"

"I am a bear," he argued- every time.

When the torture of the pictures was over- they moved to the reception. Sirius was relieved when he was able to take off the bear costume and eat some food. He and Evans danced and played with the other children. Until the speeches.

They heard the sound of a fork hitting a champagne glass and the speeches began. The maid of honor gave some weepy speech that made the bride cry, but then the best man took the stage.

It was hilarious. He told jokes, he told stories, and he made the entire reception hall laugh until they cried. Sirius had never seen something so beautiful.

Therefore, whenever he and Evans reenacted a wedding, he always got to do the Best Man's Speech. He had done many speeches for their fake weddings, but he knew this one- the real one- had to be absofuckinglutley perfect.

Evans, however, seemed worried.

She first broached the subject at her second dress fitting with a badly disguised, "So Sirius, how is the speech coming," as the seamstress left the room

He shrugged it off and said, "Haven't started."

Lily narrowed her eyes at this, "Bullshit. You've been dreaming about this since you were the ring bear"

"You're not really going to let the Weasley twins be ring bears are you?" Sirius scoffed

"Yes and they will be cuter than you were," she huffed, turning to look at the back of her dress, "but stop deflecting. You cannot make your best mans speech about how we met!"

"What," Sirius asked affronted

"You've got to find a new hiding place, Sirius. It's been the same since we were 5," Lily responded and then added, "does this hit my hips ok?"

"Prongs will wet himself. I'm almost attracted to you and well-" he gestured vaguely, "But why were you going through my things?"

Lily rolled her eyes, "because I know you. I read...draft 13? I believe? Our origin story? Really that's how you remember our meeting?"

"Yes those two vindictive little hooligans were attacking me…" Sirius started, but was interrupted

"The Ashley and Rebekah Incident is not our origin story," Lily demanded

Putting a hand to his chest and inhaling deeply Sirius said, "You wound me. I know our origin story."

Lily shook her head, "I'm sure you do, but The Ashley Rebekah Incident is not it"

"It isn't," Sirius demanded

"No! Now I'm going to get out of this dress and we'll finish this argument over firewhiskey at my flat like normal and I'll owl James to pick up curry," Lily said and gestured for Sirius to hold up the train as she walked back to the dressing room

"Fine," he whined, "But can we do gin and dubbonet instead?"

Dress returned to the seamstress for alterations, gin and dubbonet picked up, they made their way to Lily and James' flat.

After arguing about the proper proportions for the cocktail, "But Queen Elizabeth doesn't do it that way Lily!"

"Queen Elizabeth is a weak punk, Sirius. 50/50 is more delicious," Lily retorted.

After winning the cocktail argument, Lily had to allow Sirius first storytelling rights on how they met.

"You're going to be wrong," she argued, "the Ashley Rebekah incident started after we were in school. We met before then!"

"I am not speaking about the time those harlots told us we were being too loud Lily! Although, that is how we discovered you were a witch. I still can't believe your accidental silencing charm lasted a week," Sirius responded

"Yeah well fucking call me loud see what happens," Lily huffed and then took a sip of her cocktail

"Remember when they told you were being dramatic at that neighborhood Christmas party when we were 15," he goaded her on

"YES! I fucking do! But they were being monsters and spoiling Star Wars. What kind of-"

"Evans. Focus. We hate Ashley and Rebekah. We know this. But I have to tell you our origin story," Sirius explained

"I know our fucking origin story Sirius, we met on the playground and you were hiding behind the trees because you pissed your trousers and I carried a bush in front of you the whole way home so Ashley and Rebekah wouldn't see you and make fun of you."

"ALAS," Sirius proclaimed in his lawyer voice, "THAT IS THE VERY BEGINNING OF THIS TALE, but that tragic event only spiraled into THE GREATEST FRIENDSHIP OF ALL TIME"

At this point, the front door opened and James Potter entered with several bags of take away curry.

James took one look at Sirius' position and said, "Oh God, what is happening?"

"We are discussing the origin of my friendship with the soon to be Mrs. Potter," Sirius gestured enthusiastically

"You mean when you pissed yourself and Lily protected you from some mean girls?" James asked

"NO!" Sirius exploded, "That twas only the beginning! I will continue once you're settled Prongs"

Lily and James exchanged a look. James sighed, went to the kitchen to set down the curry and poured himself a drink. Once he settled next to Lily -Sirius began to pontificate.

"ONE DAY….Not too terribly long ago, one sad little Sirius Black ventured with his uncle to the local playground in order for him to try and make some friends," he started and set the scene, "It was a sunny day. Full of promise and hope."

Lily rolled her eyes so dramatically here Sirius stopped short, "Evans. Knock that shit off."

Lily gestured for him to continue and he did gleefully.

"Well poor little Sirius Black was chubby and had trouble with his speech, so making friends was no easy task. His uncle encouraged him to approach two little girls who were playing on the swings. Sirius did that and was miraculously allowed into their game. He was so excited when they asked him to play hide and go seek he forgot that he was, in fact potty trained," here Sirius had to stop talking because James Potter was giggling so hard tears were falling down his face

"DAMMIT PRONGS THIS IS TRAUMATIC AND YOU NEED TO STOP LAUGHING AT MY PAIN," Sirius yelled

"Sorry, mate, I'll get it together," James swore solemnly.

"Good. Now- little Sirius was hiding behind the bushes when the accident happened. When he was almost discovered by the two girls his pride would not allow him to be seen with wet trousers so he called for help. A fiery redhead happened to be climbing in the tree near the bush and she descended and took pity on him. She waltzed over to his uncle and told him what happened and then protected him from humiliation by carrying the very bush he hid in to his house. But that is not how our friendship truly began," he started to continue but was interrupted.

"YES IT IS" Lily bellowed, "That is how we met."

"Tis true, fair Lily," Sirius started, "but when we arrived at my house you called me a baby and told me 'I can't be friends with fat babies that pee their pants'"

"Holy shit I did," Lily amended

"Yes. And I vowed I would never be friends with such a meanie," Sirius continued, "but then we forged our friendship as many friendships are formed over a common enemy"

"Oh my god," Lily started

"Yes-" Sirius told her

"THE FRUITCAKE INCIDENT!" they announced in unison.

"I hate when you do that," James interjected

"I forgot about the Fruitcake Incident," Lily said

"I, too- blocked it for a long time. It was one of the worst days of my life," Sirius began

"Ugh- mine too. What a tragic day that was," Lily told him and reached for his hand

"How the fuck are the two most dramatic people in the world the two most important people in my life?" James asked

The glares thrown his way shut him up, "Sorry, not dramatic...unlucky people who have survived much tragedy."

"Damn right," Sirius stated

"So the fruitcake incident?" James prompted, praying this would be over quickly

"Right well, young Sirius Black was dragged to the neighborhood Christmas party and forced into socialization with children his age. He was very nervous and worried that-"

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE-" Lily interrupted, "We've already sat through one of these. We both got dragged to this terrible Christmas party and were dared by Ashley and Rebekah to steal, and then eat, an entire fruitcake each. Of course neither one of us can say no to a dare, so we did."

Sirius continued, "Naturally it became a contest to see who could eat it the fastest. Lily and I tied. But Ashley and Rebekah didn't eat a fucking bite."

"Meanwhile, we started to get sick feeling because fruitcake is disgusting and we'd already eaten a ton of sweets before dinner," Lily continued

"So we did what any normal child would do," Sirius added

And then in unison, "We vomited all over Ashley and Rebekah's new Christmas jumpers."

"And then we were grounded for the rest of the holidays." Sirius finished cheerfully

"How did that make you mates?" James asked bewildered

Scoffing, Lily answered, "Well obviously we were set up by them to vomit on them and then get grounded. So we made it our mission to take them down. And discovered we were actually well suited for each other. I apologized for calling him a baby and the rest is history"

"Anyway, Evans, that's the story going in my best man's speech," Sirius announced

"NO!" Lily demanded, "No bodily functions at my wedding. We don't need the ring bears getting any ideas."

"Remind me again why we aren't having ring bearers- is the ring bear a muggle custom or-" James asked for the hundredth time

"No- but it is important to me," Lily argued back again, "Sirius- I am vetoing draft 13. Try again"

Sirius started to argue but James told him, "I too veto this draft 13, I don't think I can sit through either of those stories again."

Over the next few months, Lily discovered and vetoed 8 more drafts of Sirius' best man's speech.

The argument for draft 17 was "You cannot in detail describe what sexual position you walked in on me and James trying out a year ago"

Draft 19 was "Sirius. This isn't about you and Remus. I mean your first kiss is really sweet but what has that got to do with our marriage."

Draft 20 "THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO ADMIT YOU ARE AN ILLEGAL ANIMAGUS PUBLICALLY SIRIUS"

Draft 21 "Sirius. So help me God. We swore to NEVER tell anyone about the time we went to jail."

Draft 22 James had vetoed on the grounds that they had sworn to never reveal the secret to taming the giant squid.

Draft 23 Sirius had hidden in a new place and had announced the speech, "FINISHED AND FABULOUS," two days before the wedding.

When the morning of their wedding dawned, Lily wasn't worried about anything besides the best man's speech. She drank a calming drought to calm her nerves and forced herself to forget about it through the ceremony.

Today was about marrying James Potter. And if Sirius Black fucked up the entire day with his speech, she could murder him after their honeymoon. That was the mantra she repeated to herself over and over.

Lily had never felt so loved and full of hope as she did when she walked down the aisle to meet her future husband. The ring bears did their job perfectly and somehow she and James made it through the entire ceremony without crying.

She shed her first tears when James asked her "Alright, Potter," when they snuck into an alcove to finish what they started with "you may kiss the bride."

After they had eaten, cut the cake, and had the first dance as a couple- it was time for the best man's speech.

Lily broke out into a cold sweat.

Sirius walked up to the front of the reception hall and took the microphone and began,

"This is my 23rd draft of this speech. Anyone who knows me knows that I can tend to go a little overboard," Sirius paused for the laughter, "Which is why having James and Lily Potter in my life is so important. These two ground me. Sure, Lily and I can go to extremes, but James will always pull us back."

Lily thought the room had suddenly gotten quite dusty.

"Until I moved in with my uncle, my childhood was not a happy one. Through a series of incidents, I met a beautiful little redheaded girl named Evans. She brought joy and acceptance to my childhood. We did everything together and she was the first person to show me that family is something that you can choose and make yourself," here Sirius swallowed some emotion but continued,

"Then Lily and I were forced to go to different schools to 'try and save our teacher's minds'. I was terrified. She was my one true friend. And then I met James Potter. Who- without prompting, accepted me and loved me fiercely and loyally. I remember when I got my first Letter from Evans at school- James seemed a little bewildered that I had another fierce and loyal friend. I had no idea that he thought she was a boy until 6th year Christmas holidays when they met."

Again he waited for the laughter to die down.

"It took these two prats nearly two years to realize they were perfect for each other and I nearly lost my damn mind. But they were perfect for each other. They are- really. They balance each other out and care for so many. They're my family. I look forward to seeing them grow as the Potters and I wish them a long marriage filled with love, many god children for me, and lots of laughter. To James and Lily Potter," he finished and raised his glass

"To James and Lily Potter," the crowd responded and burst into applause.

When Sirius approached James and Lily, he was tackled by Lily into a hug, "Best Best Man's Speech Ever" she told him.

"Did you expect anything less?" He asked and kissed her on the forehead


End file.
